A Secret Boyfriend

One day, some thirty years ago, I was dumfounded.

Just a month before my graduation from kindergarten, I was browsing the yearbook that was just out of the printing machine. And I found that Miho, a classmate girl, said Katsuya was her boyfriend. It shocked me so much because she always forced me to have a sweet time with her, saying that I was her boyfriend. But she declared to everyone that she loved Katsuya, who was a yakuza's son and hit me everyday without any known reason.

I was very sad. Although I did not feel that she should have declared me as her boyfriend, she should not have said that my archenemy was her boyfriend. Actually, I had never seen her with him. I knew that I was her favourite so that she had tried serious necking and kisses with me.

So I walked to her and asked why she had written a lie on the yearbook. Her answer was so simple that I could only say "Oh." She told me that she did not want to tell everyone that she loved me, a retard because it was so shameful. I could only say "Oh" because it was no secret in my kindergarten that I was a retard (though there was no scientific evidence). That was what teachers always said in front of everyone. So I felt it was even natural for Miho not to confess her love of me to everyone.

Looking back after thirty years, I am surprised by Miho's precociousness that made her cared so much about what others would say about her. It's not an innocent thing to do. But her words did not leave any serious trauma with me. It did not lead to my loss of innocence.

Well, my innocence had already been long lost. Teachers often complained that a physically handicapped and retarded child should have not been at an ordinary kindergarten because his very presence was a big trouble to everyone. They often said that they did not want me there. So it was quite natural for Miho not to declare me, a persona non grata, as her boyfriend.

Actually, she left no wound with me because she added that "But it is you that I really love" after saying the reason why she had said a lie. I was happy because at least someone loved and wanted me albeit secretly even though I was a kind of pariah. And I unconsciously chose to put an emphasis on the added phrase, not the preceding one.

Soon after that, Miho moved to another part of the town and I never saw her again. I don't even remember how she looked. But she remained with me as a sweet memory, thanks to my unconscious mind's wisdom. I believe she was one of a few havens that saved me during my hellish kindergarten and primary school years...

Now I know that if we choose to focus on a bright side of anything, it may later serve us as a very handy refuge in the time of distress...